Bad Mother's Day

My daughter sent me this great card for Mother's Day, which was yesterday. I hope it was a lovely day all around. Anyway, her card got me to thinking. However loving and forgiving our children may be some of us are too neurotic, vain, and self-centered to meet the standard of the Good Mother. It is embarrassing for both the children and us, the bad mothers, to go through the motions of Mother's Day, knowing that the honors are not exactly meant or deserved. Therefore, with an end to restoring integrity all around, I hereby declare that, henceforth, the second Monday of May will be known as Bad Mother's Day. From now on this is our day, we Bad Mothers, to do with as we please. And for good measure, because enough is never enough, I threw in the rights and privileges of Blue Monday [¹] , such as calling in sick and sighing a lot.

Naturally, many good children of bad mothers will not want to send their bad mothers Bad Mother's Day cards, irregardless of what a crap head she is. Not to worry. If you don't send one, it will just go to prove how terribly unappreciated we are. All the more reason for The DAY.

With the help of the troupe here at the Invisible Theatre, I threw together this little video to launch the holiday. In keeping with the theme, it's a variation of the old saying, "the hand that rocks the cradle" merged with the idea that, indeed, "it is never too late." I don't want any flack over the fact that a man does the lyrics. It's about time one of them kicks in. If you'd had a husband like this, you'd have been a bad mother too.

The quality of this video is pretty bad but, hell, what can you expect on Bad Mother's Day? Like I tell my kids, I tired. Anyway, the sound track is good, at least I think so and that's what matters. So sit back and enjoy William Shatner doing "That's Me Trying" from his never a hit album, "Has Been".

Happy Bad Mother's Day.

That's Me Trying for bad mother's everywhere


What? So you think something as important as Bad Mother's Day doesn't deserve footnotes?

[¹] The much ridiculed work of Cliff Arnall, former part-time tutor at Cardiff University explains a lot. Cardiff University distanced themselves from Arnall, but I stand by his efforts to render in mathematical terms such important concepts as Blue Monday.

Based on Cliff's work, I got my little brother (who actually is a scientist) to whip up a formula for Blue Monday Bad Mother's Day. I call it the BMBMD Effect.

... where weather (W) PLUS debt (D) MINUS ability to pay (d) MULTIPLIED BY THE time since her birthday (T), the combined time of all previous Bad Mother's Days (T¹) and the time since blowing her latest New Year’s resolutions (Q) DIVIDED BY Mommie's massive need to be right (M) MULTIPLIED BY her never ending need for appreciation (Na) EQUALS a very bad Blue Monday Bad Mother's Day. 

So be a good kid and do something nice for your mother or not. Hop to it.


Anonymous said...

Oh my God look at all the carbohydrates that mother is giving her children!

I will listen and watch when I get home and my Internet access is not closely monitored by the authorities, but I have high hopes for an exquisitely bad performance from Bill ("There's something. On. The wing.") Shatner.

Happy Bad. Mothers. Day.


asha said...

Happy Bad. Mothers. Day. to you too, Roy. In the spirit of things, why not give those cats some ice cream and beer for dinner tonight?

Roy said...

Ice cream and beer? For cats??

Too good for cats....

Kristiana said...

well, if you are a bad mother at least you have style. and flair, forest fire sized flair and i love you anyway.

a whole lot.


asha said...

I love you too. You have no idea how much. Too much for words to say. More than the world. More than anything.


asha said...

"Too good for cats...."

Roy, Roy. Loosen up. Cats love ice cream, especially with a liberal shot of beer.

someone said...

From one bad mutha to anutha, I offer you this old poem:


Now, it is not the best of me
that glorifies the worst in me
and it is not the east of me
that contradicts the west of me
nor is it just the first of me
has changed to suit the last of me.
the last of me has not yet been
the worst has never given in
or given up
or ever will
or even can
or has the will
to go beyond
the who I was
and still may be
and without pause
I celebrate the rest of me
I celebrate what’s left of me.


asha said...

jbs: I love that poem. Did you ever submit it? It needs to be published.

msb said...

hay Ya ho now. This is great mothers day. no sentimental slop here. Perfect for the Mother that just doesn't. love the poem.

someone said...

no. not yet. no I haven't. thank you.

asha said...

Okay someone. Submit, damn it. ;-)