Cannibal goes vegetarian

You can file this one under "What Ever Happened To Ol' What's His Name?". Plus, there are a few interesting things to glean about life from this curious story, starting with the forbidden fact that humans taste like pigs. Or so says Armin Meiwes, the world's current most infamous cannibal. Or x-cannibal as he recently went vegetarian, but more about that later. I'd heard that before, about humans and pigs. It does add a little punch to the old line, "cooks my bacon" or however the saying goes. Being a vegetarian, I generally avoid meat references. For instance, I don't say, "I've got a beef with you", or a "bone to pick with you", but if I do and catch myself in time, I'll substitute the work "tofu" for "beef". Ends up odd in translation but what the hell? I"m not trying to impress anyone. And I never did like "bone to pick". I'm not sure I used that one, even as a meat eater.

I also avoid equating people with animals, unless it's complimentary to the animal, which it generally is not. But we humans draw a lot of power from animal references which, when you stop to think about it, pepper the language. Once, when M. Lee was negotiating the jeep along a desert "road" at about 5 miles an hour for hours, we made a list of some of the more common ones. Of course, if you are one of the ultra hip who read my old zine, Reddog Review, you've already seen it but this is the new, improved version.

Common animal/human references:

hen / hen pecked
buzzard
leech
cow
horse
snake
pig
chick / foxy
(hot babe, but "chick" also indicates
inferior standing as in chick to rooster
whereas "foxy" is without the baggage )
chum
(good except if you're the bait)
weasel
hawk
hawk-eyed / hawk-eye / ol' hawk-eye / eagle-eye
(cool)
bear / bull
(aside from being financial icons, can go either way)
bull-headed
worm
vulture
dog
cat
(cats are cool)
catty
(not cool)
monkey
gorilla
(not complimentary)
strong as a gorilla
(complimentary)
shark
(compliment if you're the one doing the eating,
not so if you're the one being eaten)
turkey
slug
sloth
pussy
pup / cub
(diminutive but generally indicates fondness)
filly
(see "chick")
sucker
hog
sow
chicken
amoeba
wolf / fox
(see "shark")
old fox
(admiration)
ass
jackass
hyena
moose
pigeon
squirrel
piss-ant
spider
loon
hippo
elephant
toad
shrimp
mole
beaver
(complimentary when "busy as",
not so as a sexual reference. )
rat
mouse
peacock
sheep
lamb
(complimentary when "gentle as",
definitely creepy reference to human sacrifice
and all other forms of religious servitude)
stallion
stud
buck
tiger
lion
(Studly)
wise owl / doe-like /doe-eyed / eagle eye
(complimentary)
deer in the headlights
old frog
lobster
whale
shrew / old shrew
parrot
clam
bat / old bat
goat / old goat
cold fish
goose / silly goose
queer bird / queer duck
spineless jellyfish
slippery as an eel
ferret out
sang like a canary
bats in the belfry
clam up
pig out
squirrelly
squirrel away
fish brain
coo-coo
horse’s ass
crow / old crow
My little chickadee

The list goes one. Add your own.

I suppose if you drink you may have a fondness for Old Crow, the feather of the old crow and all that, but I digress. My point is, we humans are in the habit of comparing ourselves favorably to everyone else, top o' the heap, pinnacle of evolution, God's kids enjoying "The Father's" permission to treat and eat everyone else any ol' way we want.

But back to Mr. Meiwes, the fellow who killed, filleted, froze and ate a chat room acquaintance, 42-year-old Bernd-Juergen Brandes who, it seems, responded to Meiwes' on-line post "Man seeking man willing to be killed and eaten", which apparently Mr. Brandes was. Meiwes, now in jail for life, has become a vegetarian because he objects to the grizzly factory farm slaughter house practices with are a true hell on earth. Since acquainting himself with the realities of animal's plight, Mr. Meiwes now finds "the whole idea of factory farming as distasteful" as his own crime was. He ought to know.

As a footnote, I find it interesting how much more humane German prisons are than American ones. Three months ago Meiwes was voted to head up the Green Party section in the maximum security jail in Kassel where he is serving his sentence. The group is made up of murderers, paedophiles and drug dealers and now has a cannibal as its leader. Meeting every Tuesday, they discusses tax, legal and environmental policies. Fancy anything like that happening in an American prison. The only "salvation" our poor mopes have is to join a gang and then enhance that status by becoming a member of the soul-snatching, blood-thirsty Army of Khrist. Anyway, Good for ol' Meiwes. It's never to late to have a change of heart.