Bad Mother's Day gift suggestion

Bad Mother's Day is right around the corner, Monday in case you've forgotten, and since I created Bad Mother's Day a few years ago, search engines have been directing people looking for bad mother's day cards my way. The keywords tell a sad tale:

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This year, to help our fledgling holiday along, I share with you a Language Barrier "Best Of" gift selection for The Day... the Better Marriage Blanket. Okay, I know it's a little last minute but I did it, didn't I?

Anyway..... yes, this gift might have saved your parent's marriage but all that is water under the bridge now, isn't it? The Better Marriage Blanket is a must have in any case, but especially if you are one of the many Good Children who has inherited their Bad Mom in her declining years (age 25 to 99). It contains a layer of activated carbon fabric, the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. Perfect! Not only will you be obeying the Fifth Commandment to honor your Mother, it is a gift to your whole family. Even if you want to shirk your duties as a Good Child you owe it to them to purchase one for her. Her cat will thank you too.

Bad Mother's Day

My daughter sent me this great card for Mother's Day, which was yesterday. I hope it was a lovely day all around. Anyway, her card got me to thinking. However loving and forgiving our children may be some of us are too neurotic, vain, and self-centered to meet the standard of the Good Mother. It is embarrassing for both the children and us, the bad mothers, to go through the motions of Mother's Day, knowing that the honors are not exactly meant or deserved. Therefore, with an end to restoring integrity all around, I hereby declare that, henceforth, the second Monday of May will be known as Bad Mother's Day. From now on this is our day, we Bad Mothers, to do with as we please. And for good measure, because enough is never enough, I threw in the rights and privileges of Blue Monday [¹] , such as calling in sick and sighing a lot.

Naturally, many good children of bad mothers will not want to send their bad mothers Bad Mother's Day cards, irregardless of what a crap head she is. Not to worry. If you don't send one, it will just go to prove how terribly unappreciated we are. All the more reason for The DAY.

With the help of the troupe here at the Invisible Theatre, I threw together this little video to launch the holiday. In keeping with the theme, it's a variation of the old saying, "the hand that rocks the cradle" merged with the idea that, indeed, "it is never too late." I don't want any flack over the fact that a man does the lyrics. It's about time one of them kicks in. If you'd had a husband like this, you'd have been a bad mother too.

The quality of this video is pretty bad but, hell, what can you expect on Bad Mother's Day? Like I tell my kids, I tired. Anyway, the sound track is good, at least I think so and that's what matters. So sit back and enjoy William Shatner doing "That's Me Trying" from his never a hit album, "Has Been".

Happy Bad Mother's Day.

That's Me Trying for bad mother's everywhere


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What? So you think something as important as Bad Mother's Day doesn't deserve footnotes?

[¹] The much ridiculed work of Cliff Arnall, former part-time tutor at Cardiff University explains a lot. Cardiff University distanced themselves from Arnall, but I stand by his efforts to render in mathematical terms such important concepts as Blue Monday.

Based on Cliff's work, I got my little brother (who actually is a scientist) to whip up a formula for Blue Monday Bad Mother's Day. I call it the BMBMD Effect.

... where weather (W) PLUS debt (D) MINUS ability to pay (d) MULTIPLIED BY THE time since her birthday (T), the combined time of all previous Bad Mother's Days (T¹) and the time since blowing her latest New Year’s resolutions (Q) DIVIDED BY Mommie's massive need to be right (M) MULTIPLIED BY her never ending need for appreciation (Na) EQUALS a very bad Blue Monday Bad Mother's Day. 

So be a good kid and do something nice for your mother or not. Hop to it.


bad mother's day William Shatner Has Been cradle Blue Monday equations BMDMD Effect

Bad Mother's Day poem

It's Bad Mother's Day again. I had planned to do a wily post about it with another ironic video, this year even include a photo or two from the ol' family album but here it is, nearly 9 o'clock, and I'm just getting started. A good mother would have prepared the post before hand, started planning the video weeks ago, poured through the photos for just the right ones days, if not weeks, in advance. I thought about it. That's something. And I did this post before midnight. That's pretty good.

Okay. In observance of Bad Mother's Day, I will include a poem I wrote three or four years ago. It's part of a book I haven't finished yet. I'd look for something more appropriate but at nine I want to watch a movie so I'm kind of short on time and besides it is, in it's own way, about mothers or by daughters to mothers or daughters who later became mothers. Close enough. Happy Bad Mother's Day. Take heart. Your best may not be good enough but it probably could be worse.

CONTACT LANGUAGE – Page 1
excerpt from Book of Images, la obra inconclusa


Mother,
the inky
spindly cities
are in ruins
alphabets adrift
reconstruction impossible
the land is without refuge
a diameter without dimension
echo answering echo
emptiness consoling emptiness

I am writing you
from a crumbling church
where in its thick-rooted dark
I found a few others
by their heavy breath
snorts, sighs and whispered speech
and one by the drifting refrains
of her off-key devotions

otherwise only the rain
is true to itself
falling

it has also taken shelter here
just inside the door
falling

where an old man
hesitates between worlds
gulping like a fish

falling

on the brown-frocked monk
watching us both
rebar poking through
his scotch-taped hand.


~asha

Happy Bad Mother's Day

So the day's almost over. Sue me. It's Bad Mother's Day. Watdayawant? Anyway, for those of us who were not always, ummmmm ... shall we say ... the best of mothers, Happy Bad Mother's day. I have a lot to be grateful for today because, in spite of everything, my children not only survived me, but grew up to be wonderful human beings. I am very proud of them. Kids are like that, you know. Resilient. And love is like that. Resourceful. It finds a way.

So, to celebrate what's left of the day, here are a few photos of bad parents. If you're down in the dumps, perhaps you'll find someone here you can feel superior to. Good luck.
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Happy Bad Mother's Day

Oh yeah. I almost forgot, Happy Bad Mother's Day to bad mothers everywhere. Today is our Day. I started a drawing to commemorate it but then didn't get it finished in time. Maybe next year.