Crap. Yesterday was Mother's Day. That means today is Bad Mother's Dayagain! Our day, ladies. So I forgot for a few years. Ok! OKKKK! Five. Come on. Five little years and you're all weepy? Geeze! Whatdoyawantfromme? Flowers? Not gonna happen. When did any of you ever send me flowers? That's right. NEVER. Fergetaboutit. Get yer own.
On the other hand, if you are the child of a bad mother and yet, in spite of that, are still such a generous and thoughtful person that even now you want to send your bad mother a gift, I am here to help. Here a few sure fire gift suggestions for you:
1) Buy something on sale at the dollar store or thrift shop. It will make yer mama proud seein how frugal you are. After all, it was she who taught you that a penny saved (by not spending it on you) was a penny earned (that she could spend on herself).
2) Can't take her out to dinner on The Big Day? Send her a box of instant mac n cheese. She'll be feasting in a matter of minutes. Plus you'll get credit for being thrifty. (see #1)
3) Send her a bouquet of dandelions. She never seemed to notice when you picked them for her when you were a kid. They're so beautiful and will go nicely with dinner. (see #2) And if you don't send her the mac n cheese (see #2 again), she can eat them.
Nothing says it better than dandelions source: http://sparkingsynapse.com
We went to Fort Lauderdale last week to visit M. Lee's cousins and explore the area a bit. His cousins are nice fellows and basically hermits. They live in a big pleasant house in a skeevy part of town with their mother, kids, a sweet, pony-size pit bull who is not neutered and six hens they treat like children who have their own place out back. We saw everybody for dinner both nights and during the first day biked around Ft. Lauderdale and the second decided move on and check out Miami Beach.
It wasn't a particularly pleasant drive. Imagine "dragging yourself shirtless across a desert of blazing hot broken glass, your back full of arrows, predator birds tearing at your flesh".That's how Lee described driving to Miami Beach.
America is already a tax haven for the world's wealthiest people and Southern Florida is one of their favorite spots. Everyday millionaire retirees roost all over Florida but South Florida is known for it's high-stepping billionaire, and very shady, richer-than-god crowd. Even from the street Miami is a gaudy showcase questionable wealth.
But, for us, there really wasn't any there there, just more urban sameness.
When we finally got to the beach, the world famous Miami Beach, I ran like someone escaping a fire, well, with a few stops along the way.
I'm a surrealist and, surprisingly the beach was surreal, so I should have loved it but, instead, I was horrified. I already knew that every inch of ground, mangrove and shoreline in Miami is developed, and has been for a long time so, of course, its "world famous" beach would be no exception but it was so dismal. Whether I looked north or south, it was hotel after hotel after hotel—no trees, no shade, no wildlife—and on the sand— thousands of people laying under umbrellas or standing in the water. I assume for them it was a lovely summer day at the beach.
To me the scene had a musty and unreal quality as though, rather than at the ocean, people were in a diorama built by a Jersey taxidermist and titled Day at the Beach. And mostly it was just sad. We're back along Alligator Creek today. The development here is bad enough but I'm still caught in yesterday's mood but grateful to be back in the small world here on the gulf.
Oh yeah. I almost forgot, Happy Bad Mother's Dayto bad mothers everywhere. Today is our Day. I started a drawing to commemorate it but then didn't get it finished in time. Maybe next year.
Bad Mother's Day is right around the corner, Monday in case you've forgotten, and since I created Bad Mother's Day a few years ago, search engines have been directing people looking for bad mother's day cards my way. The keywords tell a sad tale:
"bad mother" "bad mother's day" "where do i find bad mothers day cards" "mother's day message to mom + bad relationship with mom" "mother's day cards for a bad mom" "Mother's Day Cards-Awful mom's" "mothers day cards for terrible mothers" "you are a bad mother" mothers day cards" "really bad mother day cards" "mothers day card for a sucky mother" "lousy mothers day cards" "rotten mother mother's day card" "shitty mother's day cards" "shitty mother, mother's day card"
This year, to help our fledgling holiday along, I share with you a Language Barrier "Best Of" gift selection for The Day... the Better Marriage Blanket. Okay, I know it's a little last minute but I did it, didn't I?
Anyway..... yes, this gift might have saved your parent's marriage but all that is water under the bridge now, isn't it? The Better Marriage Blanket is a must have in any case, but especially if you are one of the many Good Children who has inherited their Bad Mom in her declining years (age 25 to 99). It contains a layer of activated carbon fabric, the same type of fabric used by the military to protect against chemical weapons. Perfect! Not only will you be obeying the Fifth Commandment to honor your Mother, it is a gift to your whole family. Even if you want to shirk your duties as a Good Child you owe it to them to purchase one for her. Her cat will thank you too.
So the day's almost over. Sue me. It's Bad Mother's Day. Watdayawant? Anyway, for those of us who were not always, ummmmm ... shall we say ... the best of mothers, Happy Bad Mother's day. I have a lot to be grateful for today because, in spite of everything, my children not only survived me, but grew up to be wonderful human beings. I am very proud of them. Kids are like that, you know. Resilient. And love is like that. Resourceful. It finds a way.
So, to celebrate what's left of the day, here are a few photos of bad parents. If you're down in the dumps, perhaps you'll find someone here you can feel superior to. Good luck.
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It's Bad Mother's Day again. I had planned to do a wily post about it with another ironic video, this year even include a photo or two from the ol' family album but here it is, nearly 9 o'clock, and I'm just getting started. A good mother would have prepared the post before hand, started planning the video weeks ago, poured through the photos for just the right ones days, if not weeks, in advance. I thought about it. That's something. And I did this post before midnight. That's pretty good.
Okay. In observance of Bad Mother's Day, I will include a poem I wrote three or four years ago. It's part of a book I haven't finished yet. I'd look for something more appropriate but at nine I want to watch a movie so I'm kind of short on time and besides it is, in it's own way, about mothers or by daughters to mothers or daughters who later became mothers. Close enough. Happy Bad Mother's Day. Take heart. Your best may not be good enough but it probably could be worse.
CONTACT LANGUAGE – Page 1 excerpt from Book of Images, la obra inconclusa
Mother, the inky spindly cities are in ruins alphabets adrift reconstruction impossible the land is without refuge a diameter without dimension echo answering echo emptiness consoling emptiness
I am writing you from a crumbling church where in its thick-rooted dark I found a few others by their heavy breath snorts, sighs and whispered speech and one by the drifting refrains of her off-key devotions
otherwise only the rain is true to itself falling
it has also taken shelter here just inside the door falling
where an old man hesitates between worlds gulping like a fish
falling
on the brown-frocked monk watching us both rebar poking through his scotch-taped hand.
My daughter sent me this great card for Mother's Day, which was yesterday. I hope it was a lovely day all around. Anyway, her card got me to thinking. However loving and forgiving our children may be some of us are too neurotic, vain, and self-centered to meet the standard of the Good Mother. It is embarrassing for both the children and us, the bad mothers, to go through the motions of Mother's Day, knowing that the honors are not exactly meant or deserved. Therefore, with an end to restoring integrity all around, I hereby declare that, henceforth, the second Monday of May will be known as Bad Mother's Day. From now on this is our day, we Bad Mothers, to do with as we please. And for good measure, because enough is never enough, I threw in the rights and privileges of Blue Monday[¹] , such as calling in sick and sighing a lot.
Naturally, many good children of bad mothers will not want to send their bad mothers Bad Mother's Day cards, irregardless of what a crap head she is. Not to worry. If you don't send one, it will just go to prove how terribly unappreciated we are. All the more reason for The DAY.
With the help of the troupe here at the Invisible Theatre, I threw together this little video to launch the holiday. In keeping with the theme, it's a variation of the old saying, "the hand that rocks the cradle" merged with the idea that, indeed, "it is never too late." I don't want any flack over the fact that a man does the lyrics. It's about time one of them kicks in. If you'd had a husband like this, you'd have been a bad mother too.
The quality of this video is pretty bad but, hell, what can you expect on Bad Mother's Day? Like I tell my kids, I tired. Anyway, the sound track is good, at least I think so and that's what matters. So sit back and enjoy William Shatner doing "That's Me Trying" from his never a hit album, "Has Been".
What? So you think something as important as Bad Mother's Day doesn't deserve footnotes?
[¹] The much ridiculed work of Cliff Arnall, former part-time tutor at Cardiff University explains a lot. Cardiff University distanced themselves from Arnall, but I stand by his efforts to render in mathematical terms such important concepts as Blue Monday.
Based on Cliff's work, I got my little brother (who actually is a scientist) to whip up a formula for Blue Monday Bad Mother's Day. I call it the BMBMD Effect.
... where weather (W) PLUS debt (D) MINUS ability to pay (d) MULTIPLIED BY THE time since her birthday (T), the combined time of all previous Bad Mother's Days (T¹) and the time since blowing her latest New Year’s resolutions (Q) DIVIDED BY Mommie's massive need to be right (M) MULTIPLIED BY her never ending need for appreciation (Na) EQUALS a very bad Blue Monday Bad Mother's Day.
So be a good kid and do something nice for your mother or not. Hop to it.
