Ugly American

June 21 - Happy happy... more from the Language Barrier guest blogger, what's left of him as it all melts down in Ayutthaya during south east Asia's record heat wave.

Two Guys and a Trip

Is the term Ugly American still used? Because if it is, I am the ugliest I've ever been. I rented a motorbike from a woman bartender today. I mention the gender because the bike was her personal machine and it was pinkish and the keychain was long, I mean really big, and furry and fuschia. Maybe a whole rabbit's leg de-boned? The Ugly: I don't know the speed limit here, I don't know any traffic laws, I can't read any of the signs, I can't even speak the language, I drive like a maniac, I am completely and blithely unaware of local or national customs (although I do know not to disrespect the King because that will send you right to jail in a hurry and for years)...when I do my laundry, which is often because I'm continually soaked in sweat, I go out in public in old surf trunks and a ratty shirt that looks and smells like cats clawed it and then peed all over it. These are my wash and wear items, the stuff that I rinse in the sink, that dries in minutes even here. It's an imperfect system.

More Ugly: It's too hot for my brain to give a shit. Sure, there's a decent part that yearns to, but I just can't be bothered to learn any Thai. After so much travel in Latin America, where criminals are crafty and mean and sometimes dangerous, the scams here are a relief. Stuff is cheap and I overpay and overtip and just don't care. You want to what? Overcharge me by 50 cents? Oh, you're a sly one ahahahahaha, please, go right ahead. Let me round it up for you to a buck, ok?

This is not me. My brains have been cooked into something else. On the plus side, I'm friendly to dogs and children and grannies and criminals alike and always smile and never raise my voice. Big happy goofy guy. Here, have a dollar.

--M. Lee