I got a paper prayer rug in the mail today from a church. Their letter starts out, "Dear... Someone at This Address". I guess that's me. After all, I am someone. They explain that the rug is "anointed with God's holy power" but they're "loaning" it to me for ONE NIGHT ONLY. They said that I can trust that Jesus sees my needs because if I "stare at His eyes on the Church Prayer Rug, I'll notice they are closed but if I relax and continue looking straight into His eyes, I will see them slowly open and He will begin looking back at me." I tried it but His eyes didn't exactly open. They did turn into big, cool, blank zombie eyes though.
They promise that God is going to bless me spiritually, physically and financially if I do four simple things. First off, they want me to send the rug back first thing in the morning. God's a busy man and wants it back ASAP. The other thing I have to do, of course, is pray on the rug. It is prayer rug after all. The good news is that I don't actually have to get down on my knees. proof they are indeed wise men. They know most real true believers are obese. The instructions state that for the magic to work all I have to do is touch the paper to my knees. It has to be on both my knees, like a napkin I imagine, but how hard is that? Then I fold the rug up and slide it into my bible or under my bed and leave it there overnight. Good thing I can stash it under my bed while God does His Work because I don't have a bible. No matter my bed is just a mattress on the floor.. God can squeeze under it. He is God, after all. The fourth thing I have to do before I send it back to the church is be sure to fill out the questionnaire. I have to tell them where to tell God to direct His Blessing.
Oh, and they do want me to send them a little Seed Gift to show my gratitude for God's Work, of course, but I decided against it. You can't be too careful these days. After all, so many religious groups are terrorist network in disguise. Instead, I changed the Church's eagle logo on their envelope so that now he is shitting bombs. Given that terrorists and evangelicals are cut from the same cloth, seems about right. I'm sure they'll appreciate my gift and the fact that I didn't risk sending dough to bad people.
The God Squad is everywhere these days. Flipping through radio stations recently, I caught the last few minutes of a caller complaining about people who support both abortion rights and animal rights. She just can't get her head around it and writes us off as troubling heathens who shamelessly prefer dirty animals to human babies. Another boob from the rights are only for humans bunch. She probably eats eggs (embryos) and occasionally downs a tasty veal or lamb cutlet (baby flesh) and votes for 3 strike legislation to imprison those same, precious babies when they start acting out in the hood. Well lil' lady, I suppose I am a heathen. I don't respect scriptures, philosophies or people that celebrate human or animal sacrifice (including the crucifixion of your Lamb). I also pity the star struck martyrs playing "holy" war (whether Armageddon or Jihad). They aren't "saints". They're brainwashed glory seekers. I, for one, am sick of being dragged along in this arcane argument between a bunch of Middle Eastern pundits (Christians, Jews and Muslims) arguing their blood soaked politico-religion. Screw the whole lot.
I do support abortion rights and animal rights. I also spay and neuter my pets. I am a vegetarian who eats dairy and eggs although I'm very disturbed by the terrible ways dairy cows and chickens suffer at our hands. I don't think it's right or necessary. I have non-negotiable objections to the way animals are raised and killed for the meat market. Live and let live.
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