Jon Stewart Is Ready To Negotiate With Donald Trump

Au revoir

Henri, Le Chat Noir has retired. I weep.



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Henri's first video, 2006

Stable genius

For your viewing pleasure, here is a short clip of the current Prime Minister of Canada, Justin Trudeau and Russian and alt.right America's favorite "Stable Genius" Donald J. Trump discussing "things". 

Five days until National Squirrel Appreciation Day

Remember to pick up some UNSALTED peanuts at the store. National Squirrel Appreciation  Day is on Sunday.

On the eve of Comey's testimony . . .

. . .  life goes on . . .

Cow: is this bus going downtown??

Driver: depends on whether or not you have moola lolol

Cow: I'm fucking late to work Craig.

pic.twitter.com/P2J7xmH5Me

— Lone Wulf (@14thSquadLt) June 7, 2017

It was inevitable

John Oliver brillant MURDERSLAY of Donald Trump de Drumpf

John Oliver has a refreshing, hilarious reality check for those of us who are sick, I mean really fucking sick of Trump's bullshit.

Valentine poems for married people

The New Yorker posted these Valentine poems the other day. They're hilarious and real. You may even find reflections of your own life within these lines, unless you're the type who moves on when the sugary first burst of love wears off.

Valentine's Day Poems for Married People
Source: The New Yorker

Winter.
It’s been dark for, like, five hours,
And yet the children are still awake,
And I am only a little drunk.
What you call yelling I call making a point.

* * *

Our love is like the padlocks on the Pont des Arts, in Paris—
Thousands of locks, symbols of unbreakable love.
Isn’t that beautiful?
Apparently, though, all those locks are too heavy for the bridge.
Did you hear this?
I read it somewhere.
The locks are weighing the bridge down.
So you know what they’re going to do?
They’re taking them off with bolt cutters and throwing them out.
Isn’t that beautiful, too?
So now the people aren’t locked together anymore.
They’re free to maybe see other people.
I thought that was interesting.

* * *

When we have children,
They will watch no television.
No screens.
We will be different from those other parents,
And we will take pride in our being better.
Fast-forward seven years,
And it’s Sunday morning,
6 A.M.
Do you know who our friend is?
SpongeBob SquarePants, that’s who.
And, yes, you can have Mentos for breakfast.

* * *

I was almost feeling fondness for you
As you gave me a shoulder massage at the sink—
What a small, lovely surprise.
And then you grabbed my boobs and made a “wha-wha” noise.
In an instant, I felt disgust and sadness and regret.

* * *

The kids are finally down
And you are looking at me in that way,
But not really looking at me.
Tease.
Or are you just spacing out?
Yup, you’re spacing out.
You have unzipped your skirt,
And your baggy underpants ride way, way up on your hips.
How old are those, anyway?
You pull on some sweatpants and a T-shirt and a sweater and a fleece and I am not able to make out any contour of your body at all.
I think you are sending me a signal in the way that married couples send each other signals.
And, just so we’re clear, you’re signalling, “I’m going to call my sister and order sushi. You should do something, too.”

* * *

Of course the wheels on the bus go round and round.
And the wipers go swish, swish, swish.
But here’s something:
The daddy on the bus says, “This is not what I signed up for.”
And maybe the driver on the bus doesn’t go beep, beep, beep.
Maybe he just hits the guy in the crosswalk because he feels like it.
Sing that verse, why don’t you?

* * *

I’m dreaming.
But it’s so real.
A man—is it you?
Nope.
It’s Rob, Casey’s husband,
The one with the Italian accent.
We’re on the beach and he’s chasing me and I’m laughing.
He’s so tanned and fit.
And then . . .
A terrible smell,
Like death.
I’m blinking and awake and your nasty-ass breath is hot on my face.
You son of a bitch.
You God-damned son of a bitch.
Rob, come back.

* * *

We are in the bedroom in our underpants.
Let’s turn the lights down.
No, further.
“Off,” I guess, is the technical term.
Maybe try a towel under the door, where that sliver of light is coming in?
What if we just cuddle, and by cuddle I mean not actually touching—
Each of us at the far edge of our own side of the bed—
Then close our eyes for the next seven hours or so?
I like you.

* * *

I have heard that some couples watch the whole movie in a single sitting.
Food for thought.

* * *

In France, cinq à sept was once sacrosanct,
A euphemism for rendezvous,
For the thing that men and women do.
But we are not in France.
We are here, in Montclair.
And it is well past seven.
And I promised to be home at six.
And, yes, that’s booze on my breath.
The guys and I had one . . . fine, three drinks after work.
I have forgotten the milk.
And the bread and the pasta and the pull-ups.
And the allergy medicine at CVS.
Why are you dressed up?
Wait. Today is Valentine’s Day?

* * *

This Land is MY Land, quoeth the Cliven

Many thanks to William Valenti for writing this song and making the video. Plus, as I live in the Great State of Nevada, seems only fitting to repost it here.




And, to celebrate the arrest of Cliven Bundy last night at Portland's PDX, here's a link to a snippet from the "rebel radio broadcast of the remaining last four psycho idiots "holed up" at the Malheur Refuge. As these bone heads love "holing up" so much, they are going to LOVE jail.

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Since this morning these last four "freedom" fighters at Malheur have surrendered. Now begins the long clean-up.

A guided meditation

Refresh yourself with this soothing, guided meditation by Jason Headley.

Hilarious complaints to Thomas Cook Vacations

This list of complaints sent to "Thomas Cook Vacations" is making the rounds these days. I didn't take the time to hunt down the source link but they certainly match my neighbor's tone when he returned from his month long cruise around South America. He complained bitterly how offended he was that the people there spoke Spanish.

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

More here from the UK's Telegraph

The probability of pumpkins

Currently M. Lee is putting together our next trip. We'll be gone at least five months so it's a rather complicated itinerary. Besides juggling travel times and ticket prices, he has to find and rent airbnb apartments in nine different cities in seven different countries. He begins each city by researching neighborhoods and setting some basic parameters like price range, dates, keywords etc. Then he enters the labyrinth.

 Finding the middle path...

Source

....that is the goal.

He studies the photos, reads the reviews, google-walks the streets, checks access to public transportation, finds the supermarkets, farmer's markets, parks, museums etc. etc. We stay at least a month in some of these places so these things matter. It's hard on him but I will say this. He comes up with some kick ass plans. He began researching for this trip in January, right after we got home from Thailand. Thus far he claims to have studied over 3000 apartments. Once he does narrow it down to his top picks, he corresponds with the owners because, of course, we always have questions .... bed size, they never mention bed size, internet speeds, noise factor, kitchen, laundry and so on. What they do say is cozy. They all say cozy as though cozy says it all and is all anyone needs to know about anything. That word is now blacklisted around here. And don't sneak it into the conversation as acogedor, douillet or gemütlich. In any language, cozy is still very annoying.

And finally, after all that, we go over the best of picks together and settle on our favorites. Then, and only then, he makes an offer. Sometimes it's accepted, sometimes not. There may be more negotiation, if not, it's back to the list. Only Paris remains on the table but we won't be there until September so it can wait. I want to write, "Paris can wait". It's satisfying to be dismissive of Paris as Paris is so full of itself, but that would mean using the word Paris twice in the same sentence which, to my way of thinking, is somewhat clumsy and a bit obvious so I went with the word it which, perhaps, is even a bit more dismissive of Paris and, even though I like Paris (M. hates it), I like that because, like I said, Paris is full of itself. That sentence, you might notice, is an homage to my new favorite comedian Stewart Lee. But I digress. We leave in a month. The house sitter would be happy if we left tomorrow, but there is so very much to do between now and then.

In mathematics you don't understand things, you just get used to them."
- John von Neumann

Me and Dali

They say the camera doesn't lie....
but does it?

MOCA (Museum of Modern Art), Bangkok

Day in the life of Flat Eric

It's Sunday, my least favorite day of the week. At least it's not as bad as Swami's cousin, Flat Eric. Poor fellow.

A five-year-old's Christmas list

Christmas is coming so, of course, we asked the parents for gift lists for the grandkids. This is one of the ones we got back in reply:

"I opened this up to Miss Thea:

My own chapstick.
My own pack of gum that's my own, because I think I'm old enough now.
And that's it.

Are you sure? You don't want anything else?

Well, maybe some new tights because I don't have very many that fit me.
And popsicle sticks without popsicles.

For crafts?

Yes, for crafts.
And I really really really really really want a picture frame.

What for?

I just really need one.
Also, batteries for my camera
Art supplies, cause I just love to do art.
A necklace that is red with snowflake beads
Red socks with snowflakes
A pillow with polka-dots and stripes
Shoes with red and green flowers and blue snowflakes
A blue blanket with snowflakes
... Oh, and did I pronounce that I really want a blanket? Not just on the idea list, but I really want it for Christmas?

Okay.

Did I pronounce the necklace already?

Yes.

Okay then, that's it.  G'night."

Colbert Report...Rep. Steve King wants Chickens to suck it up.

Conservatives, gotta love 'em or not. Rep. Steve King claims he has a better way for chickens to live and Steve Colbert is all over it.

Day Two made better by pancakes and Louie C.K.

We stayed in Salina CO last night, had a veggie burger and fries at Denny's and today, after 537 miles, made it to Limon CO. The drive included a grueling passage over the Continental Divide during the tail end of a spring storm. Vail was closed which infuriated M. Lee. Skiers get crazy when they see fresh snow go to waste. At Grand Junction we left Hwy. 50 for Interstate 70 (sorry Roy) and tonight we're in what's left of Limon watching Louie C.K. after a pancake dinner at (where else?) Denny's. You know you're in a small town when photos of the high school prom court make the front page. Before leaving town we stopped at the thrift store and picked up a secondhand towel. We needed a throwaway.

Quail taxi

Sad story of my life these days

I haven't taken up Instagram yet but I photograph everything. It's bad.

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Blue state-red state divorce? I'm all for it!

Hey Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, North Carolina and the rest of the Confederacy!

Ya'll want to secede from the US? I'm all for it! 'N' ya'll lucky Abe Lincoln ain't 'round ta kick ya in yer wide white confederate ass. Jus' sayin'.

Paul VanDevelder lays out terms for the divorce in this recent article posted at the LA Times. Check it out. He's not only spot on, he's hilarious.

Paul VanDevelder is a journalist, screenwriter and the author, most recently, of "Savages and Scoundrels: The Untold Story of America's Road to Empire through Indian Territory."