Chances

Answers are easier to come by than chances but after one by one
they close and drop carpeting the ground with faded color
and you’ve pushed the blade in, and your dream falls to its knees
and you have to finish what you started, you wonder
how it ever came to this but you lean forward anyway—
until all the pain is gone—then you look up to the mountains
because they have been there all along and you look
to the sea’s returning wave and understand that between these two
and the high blue sky above it is still possible you have a chance.

asha
2004

I am the fatted rat

It's not a glorious way to enter the final years of one's life but so it goes and I'm grateful for it. Because my cancer is so weird, with no known treatment other than surgery, I've been accepted into 23andMe's first ever drug trial, testing the viability of infusion therapy to treat cancer. It's in phase one, so I/we, the small group of people who are also in the trial, are the fatted rats, following our poor rat brethern who had no choice to but live, be tortured, and die for human-unkind.

Infusion therapy is the new hope of the 21st century. It's not poison like chemo. The Covid vaccine is infusion therapy. It doesn't directly attack the cancer. It's like sending Switchblade drones or TB2 Bayraktar drones to Ukraine. The drone unmasks the orcs tanks hiding in the trees so soldiers can bomb them. In the same way, infusion therapy unmasks the cancer cells hiding behind their own camouflage alerting the body's own immune system to get to work and blast them. 

So far, so good.

Test coming

One of my friend Lawrence's favorite stories was how his martial arts teacher could shout TEST COMING and always manage to rattle the class and, even though we all knew what he was going to say, whenever Lawrence told the story, we'd also twitch and laugh nervously every time he told it. Turns out Lawrence's test was cancer. He stayed centered right to the end.

To whom it may concern

I'm here to learn, not teach. If I want it to be the way it was, I will never understand the way it is.

Moving on

For now, this is my/our last day in Portugal. Tomorrow at 03h I will go to the airport for my flight to the US.

"Valeu a pena? Tudo vale a pena se a alma nao e pequena."
"Was it worth it? Everything is worth it if the soul is not small."
Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet

"I know not what tomorrow will bring."
He died the next day. 

Pen and pruning hook

They say "the pen is mightier than the sword". True, but not true enough. The pen is a sword, the sword which is sharpened only when I turn it on myself.

Gone are the adolescent dreams of the glory of a tragic death, gone fascination with battles fought, won or lost. The validation of success is a tattered flag limp in the wind's fury. There is no enduring victory, only quiet at the end of things.

They say "beat the swords into plowshares and pruning hooks". The pen is also a shovel and a pruning hook. Dig and uncover the truth of things, the truth within, truth with a small "t". That is the truth that matters. Prune the rest.

Sung - Conflict

 讼

Hexagram 6
Sung - Conflict

Changing lines
/Line Three
He stands on his integrity, no matter what ill winds may blast him. Stand or fall, in the end he will remain exactly who he is.

/Line Four
Realizing the very root of conflict lies within his own heart, he lays down his arms and resolves to accept the things he cannot change.

Night bird

Note to self
There is a bird here on Portugal's Atlantic coast I only hear sing as midnight approaches. I love the song. I picked the song for a phone notification before I ever heard it in the wild. Hearing it at night like this is one thing I will really miss when we leave here, one thing among many, but also one of my favorites of all times. I must find out the name of this magical creature, and what she looks like so the memory of her and her wonderful call remains with me when we go.

Treasure box

I just rediscovered this collection of quotes my daughter-in-law sent earlier on of things my grandsons have said and am posting them here so I won't lose them again.

08.2016 
Today Frank asked to be called Fang. Prior to that is was Arrow and before that Orchid.

10.2016
Frank just asked me: mom, in water versus electricity, does water win because it breaks the electricity? Interesting thinking!

01.2017 
Leo just now: forever plus forever is another time.

05.2017
Frank and I were looking at a book that talked about the first space missions and how monkeys were sent up before people. Frank did not like this and said, "you don't test on creatures, you test on someone your own size." Thought you'd appreciate that!

01.2018  
Frank just now: what thing do you think will be here after us, after all the people die? Me: I don't know, what do you think? Frank: maybe...robots? Or zombies? 😨

Summer solstice two days late

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying the longest day of year 2021 north of the equator was two days late. I am late writing about it, which I think is a first since I started this blog 18 years ago. 

It was an odd oversight as I've been watching sunlight slowly move north for months, waiting for it to finally shine on Plantie. She's the little rescue plant I moved to the narrow gorilla garden along the wall of the parking lot across the street. Others have planted things there as well so it seemed okay. She had outgrown her pot and was beginning to die. The biggest problem in this tiny garden is that a wall shades it most of the year. 

It was only as summer solstice drew near that Plantie and her companions finally got to enjoy the sun's early morning rays, which they say is like mother's milk to growing things. Now that this singular moment has passed, the shade will soon return. 

I miss having my own garden, such is apartment life, but how did I miss the solstice? I was distracted, rushed, busy from the beginning of that day to its end when I finally went to bed. First it was with one of my ongoing medical issues, it sucks getting old, followed by two meetings in a row. I intend to die with my boots on.

May 29 note to self

Chiang Mai - Thailand
remains of offerings
from a Spirit House

Portugal.

Off shore spring wind howling around the building. Going though some photos from Thailand 2014. Devotion brings out the best in us. Time takes it all. Even love attends grief.

Life

Tao Te Ching...

verse for today (*):

48

In pursuit of knowledge,
every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done,
nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained
by letting things go their own way.
It can't be gained by interfering.

(translation by Stephen Mitchell, 1995)

51 years later

The message was sent  51 years ago. I received it tonight.


Cast Hexagram

    谦  

#15 - Ch'ien - Modesty

THE IMAGE

Within the earth, a mountain:
The image of MODESTY.
Thus the superior man reduces that which is too much,
And augments that which is too little.
He weighs things and makes them equal.

Notes from Coimbra

Note from the future

March - Worm Moon

March 28,

Worm Moon might not the happiest day if you're the worm. If you're a robin it might be a great day. For the rest of us . . . sometimes an ordinary day is best. In any case,  the Full Moon in March is the Worm Moon, and it is usually considered the last Full Moon of winter. It is also called Lenten Moon, Crow Moon, Crust Moon, Chaste Moon, Sugar Moon, and Sap Moon.

Ta Ch'u and the Ides of March

"Others have trodden this Path before you, overcoming the same obstacles facing you now, and making crucial decisions at the same crossroads. Study their journals, watch for their trail markings. Gain inspiration and wisdom from the heroes and learn from the mistakes of those who chose a sidepath. All were Seekers, explorers whose daring mapped a course you can follow."
~I Ching / Ta Ch'u

"Beware the Ides of March."

The thing is, March 15 is no longer the Ides of March and hasn't been for a long time. In the Roman (moon) calendar of Caesar's time, Ides merely meant first full moon of the month. This year (2021) the first full moon in March is on the 28th (sun calendar). All this woo-woo about March 15 is correlation, superstition, and dramatic renderings of history.

When I expand my reference a bit, what I remember is that any and every day is simultaneously somebody's best and somebody else's worst day of their life, and by somebody I mean all living beings on the planet, not just us humans. With this in mind, I'm content letting March 15 be nothing special. As my son says . . . "Have an ordinary day." 

 

All Along the Watchtower

Note to self....

Note to self - Stop playing Divide and Conquer

#1: Stop arguing.
#2: Silence is compliance.
#3: Blend these and change the narrative.

Thanks for saving my life

We began isolating on March 14. Before that, we half-assed it for a couple of weeks but on the 18th it got real. That's when the Portuguese President declared a countrywide state of emergency and asked everyone to stay at home except for necessary trips to places like the grocery, bank, doctor, and pharmacy. The whole country cooperated. I so appreciate that. As a result, Portugal has been very successful in blocking the spread of the virus and tomorrow we begin the first stage of loosening restrictions. Some, like social distancing, will still apply but certain types of small businesses will reopen. 

I've really appreciated this time. I'm a hermit by nature but have never been terribly good at disciplining myself. During these last seven weeks, I've been able to recalibrate, begin painting again albeit slowly, write and organize my work, see a little deeper, a little more clearly, focus, renew, identify. It's been enough time for new ways to present themselves, hidden things to surface, resolve, finish unfinished business, heal. Today, for example, an event in the distant past suddenly came into sharp focus and I realized I had an amend to make.

My ex-husband is dying of cancer. We haven't been on good terms for years but it wasn't until today I saw, no matter how he might take it, I had a long overdue amends to make. It wasn't the length of time that clarified my thinking. It is this extraordinary suspension of ordinary life that gave the waters time to clear. Today I asked my daughter to pass along a long overdue recognition. "Thanks for saving my life". The details don't matter. The fact that I never thanked him does.

One-sided coin

Day and night have become a one-sided coin as we begin our fourth week in isolation. It matters less and less which it is. The neighborhood birds keep me more connected to the changing hours than the clock. I'm not complaining. I've lived on earth before, I prefer it, on earth meaning I've been tactually connected to nature before, as a child and as an adult including . . . once living for awhile in a one room mud hut with no electricity, or running water, a wood stove for heat, and corner with a hole in the floor for a shower . . . with my then-husband and our two children.

Being isolated like we are now is a great reminder of how we are always at the mercy of artless nature. All day I listened to a strong on shore wind battered the building where we live. Sometimes it hit then crashed over us the way storm waves hit then crash up over rocks. Other times it rattled, and banged things as it tore by. It's still blowing now. I imagine the roof tiles are quivering as I sit in bed writing this in the dark, waiting for sleep.